Not a Helicopter Mom, A Parachute Mom

Are you familiar with the term "helicopter parent"?

According to Wikipedia, "Helicopter parents are so named because, like helicopters they hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not. It is also called "overparenting". Parents try to resolve their child's problems, and try to stop them coming to harm by keeping them out of dangerous situations." Wiki also points out that it is an "ineffective parenting style" .

If you know me at all, you know that I don't plan or try to be a helicopter parent. And hopefully I'm reaching that goal! I've tried hard to let my children learn thru trial and error when at all possible. No, I didn't let them run out in the busy street and get run over by a car... not effective. And I have no desire to see my children dead, or to be reported to DCFS! But I have let them fall of bikes, trip over rocks, break toys that they didn't want broken, lose toys that they wanted to take in the mall, etc. I've let them live life and try to let them learn a lot on their own. I'll suggest to them, "Hey let's leave your favorite dinosaur in the car." But if the argument is good/long/strong enough, I've let them bring that fav toy into the mall. Hopefully we don't lose it, but we have lost things and it's been upsetting for my children. Yes, it sucks at the time... but the next trip to the mall, they didn't argue when I asked them to leave their toys in the car. Lesson learned!

I clearly remember a playground incident when Trev was about 2 years old. I was sitting nearby, under a tree, nursing Blake. One moment I looked over and T was happily playing, the next time I looked over (30 seconds later?) he was being held upside down by a boy probably 5 or 6 years old. WOW!!! I flew across the playground, grabbed him and helped him get right-side-up again. A few seconds later the other parent appeared and took her son away to talk with him (thank goodness, cause I don't know what I might have done). Do I enjoy this memory? Nope....Trev was obviously scared. But I wouldn't change that I wasn't hovering right over him to change that it happened. Do I think the other parent should have been hovering over her child? Nope... she saw the problem right away and responded by removing her child and disciplining him. No one was hurt, Trev went back to playing shortly after, and all was fine in the world (oh,and Blake was still nursing....no interrupting him when he's eating!!!).


Okay.... right turn, Clyde....


Recently I read an article about car seats. (Stay with me here, this will all tie together I promise.) In the article, the author used a great analogy..."the whole idea of the car seat is to act as your child's parachute in a crash". The full article can be read here but the basics are this... The car seat is a child's parachute in the event your car crashes. It slows them down and helps them come to the slowest and gentlest stop possible. If their parachute (aka car seat) is loose, the forces of the stop are much more jolting potentially causing them much more harm than necessary.

This is such a well written understandable analogy. In her article she goes on to talk about why big puffy coats under car seat straps are bad. After all, you wouldn't want a big puffy coat between you and your parachute harness right? But I digress. As much as I fully agree with her point and am a big proponent of car seat safety, that's not the point of my post today (shocking, I know, can you believe it!!!).

Upon thinking about it further, this principle extends far beyond the car seat to me, it's a valid parenting analogy. I want to be a parachute parent. (I'm trademarking that term right here, right now!).

To go back to Wikipedia, "the word "parachute" comes from the French para, meaning "to prepare for" or "to protect against".

I want to help my child stay safe, and slow down enough not to get hurt. I want to help them glide safely through life and land in adult-hood (gee, that was cheesy!). I want them to remember what I've taught them, carry it with them, and use it when they need it. But I can't and don't want to be hovering over them every second of the day, to do it for them. They have to carry their own parachute and know when to pull the rip-cord. I want to prepare them for life and the challenges they will face so that I know that they can handle them.

So there ya go.... I've got my new philosophy. And yeah, my kids still don't wear puffy coats in their car seats. They've got their parachutes on, and I want those straps tight... just in case.

Informed Decisions

Here I am again, in the late night hours, when my head should be on the pillow. Tonight the fault is my own, and a new blog I've been reading. Over an hour ago, I started reading this post, and all the comments following it....and here I am, unable to sleep.

[There are so many levels to this conversation and points that have been made that are swirling around in my brain. I will have to come back to this point another night and go down the other paths.]

Car seat safety is important to me. VERY important. Quite often I contemplate saying something to a parent who I see using (what seems to me) an improper car seat, or not using one at all, or using one incorrectly. Just today during swim class, I contemplated (for the 5th week) telling a mom that her son was too tall for his infant seat, and that the belt was no where near tight enough to restrain him in the event of a crash.

But now I've read the previously mentioned post, I wonder if I did the right thing by not saying anything. First of all, I'm not known for my tact (in fact, I might be known for my lack thereof at times). What don't I know about this parent? Maybe they tighten up the buckle when they put the seat in the car. Maybe they use the infant seat because they can't afford the next size seat or they are waiting for one to be donated to them. Maybe she keeps meaning to go buy the next one but it's hard to get out to the store with two young kids. Maybe it's just easier to use the seat to carry him in to swim lessons (and this was the last week) and now that it's over she'll move him up to the next one. Maybe if I say something to her, she'll feel like yet another mother is judging her and she'll react with anger (or worse!). BUT maybe she has no idea that he's not as safe as he could be and would welcome the information.

It's that last maybe that tempts me to say something, but the one just before that scares me into silence.

I guess if you are making an INFORMED decision it's different. For example, I didn't realize when I moved Trevor to a forward-facing seat at 15 months (and 20 pounds) that I had any other choice. My pediatrician said I could turn him around. So I did. Now I know that it's safer for Izzy to stay rear-facing until she's at least 2, and 35 pounds (based on my car seat). Likewise, I've learned that T & B are both MUCH safer in a 5-point harness, so that's where they will stay (no matter how UNCOOL Trevor thinks it is compared to some of his school buddies!).

BUT...I had to find this information out on my own. By doing the research and reading and talking to experts (who also happens to be a friend!). It wasn't information that was given to me at the hospital, or the pediatrician's office, or anywhere else. It's very hard information to find if you don't know where to look. And how are you even supposed to know to look??!??! I mean if your pediatrician (a person with a higher education) tells you its safe to turn the car seat around, why wouldn't you believe them?

The lack of information really concerns me in this area.... People are told rear-face your child until they are 1 year old; they see booster seats for children who weigh 30 pounds' so they think those are the best/only choice. But it's not.

I can understand that it's not my right to make the decision for you, or my right to judge you for the decisions you have made (I'll try not to at least, but I'm still working on that one!). But I want to help you make the best decision for your child and make sure you have all the information before you make that decision. Is that wrong of me? Is it wrong that I want to help keep a child safe because they can't make those decisions on their own??

Great Deal on a Britax Frontier

I've become very attached to my car seats. In fact, I'm very unwilling to let my kids go anywhere without being in a 5-point harness. Why do I require my 5 1/2 year old to still sit in a 5-point harness and not a booster?? I mean, the booster would be SO much easier for me to move from car to car, and SO much easier for the boys to buckle themselves into, and SO much easier to fit into my car and still have room for other people, and SO much cheaper. (Where is that sarcasm font when I need it??).

Here's why... Kyle David Miller.

So no, I'm not buying a booster seat any time soon. Get over it!! But I'm still also a cheap-ass very frugal person. So when a friend told me about a way to get a Britax Frontier car seat for a great price (I think it's close to 45% off!!!) how could I resist. And I thought I would share with you! Here's what you do:

1. The Frontier is currently on sale at Amazon for $195. Go to the site and print out the price. (Frontier in Rushmore, or choose Red Rock, Canyon, or Sahara).

2. Take the printout to Bed Bath & Beyond and have them price match.

3. Use a 20% off coupon to get the price down to $156.

In my case, they didn't have the seats in stock, so they were glad to order it for me and ship it to my home. I've heard it's possible you'll have to play shipping which is $16. Total = $156 + tax if they waive shipping, or $172 + tax with shipping fee. Original price $279.99 + tax

So, now Blake has a fabulous new car seat, and Izzy will soon be residing in his Britax Boulevard, rear facing, until she's probably 3 (or reaches the weight limit of the seat).

Go get a good deal and keep your kid safe for longer!

I'm stepping on to my soapbox now

Yes, I am a semi-crunchy mama. What, you might ask, does "semi-crunchy" mean? Well, I'm not completely crunchy (as in granola) as in all things natural/organic/etc. for my kids.

I am a CD, BF, BW mama. Confused now? I am a Cloth-Diapering, Breast-Feeding, Baby-Wearing Mama. All things considered crunchy. However, I'm not a big organic person (I don't feel it necessary to pay for that label on all my products and I don't think all the additives have harmed me that much), I don't avoid vaccinations, I don't co-sleep, and I don't plan to home-school my children. Hence, why I'm only SEMI-crunchy.

All those things, I CHOSE to do, for my sake and my childrens. And for the most part, I try, I believe I REALLY try not to pressure others to do those things unless they feel comfortable doing them. I will encourage/educate people on the benefits, but if you say no, that's your choice. For me, the cloth-diapering is mostly about saving money and being green, and the breast-feeding is about doing something natural, increasing my childrens' health (and possibly intelligence) and saving money. I think both are smart and easy ways to benefit your child, your savings account, and the earth, but I realize it's not for everyone.

But now, I must step on to my soap-box about a topic that has slowly become near and dear to my heart: car seats.

5 years ago, when T was born, I went to BRU and got a car seat. I paid a basic amount of attention to how big he could be when in it, and what the ratings were (from consumer reports and parents in general), but I didn't pay much more attention than that. As directed by my pediatrician (a person with a medical degree, but not a CAR SEAT technician), I waited until he was both 1 year old and 20 pounds (for T, that was not until 17 months old) and then I turned him forward facing. The seat I had him in at that point, is a standard convertible car seat that would hold him in a 5-point harness until he was 4o pounds or a certain height. At that point in time, that seemed like ages away (and very big) and I wasn't really concerened about what I would do then.

Ditto the story for Blake... except he was 20 pounds by the time he turned 1, so he was moved to forward facing at age 1.

But slowly, through a good-friend of a good-friend I have come to change my stance on car seats and my understanding.

At age almost 5, Trev is still in a 5 point harness, and he is in a car seat that he can be harnessed until he is 65 pounds (which is ages away for him since he is a mere 37 now). Blake is in a seat that he can be 5 point harnessed until he is 65 pounds. Izzy is rear facing, and will be until she is 35 pounds, the rear-facing limit of most car-seats (and based on my kids, that will be about age 3-4).

Why? Because of this. A little boy named Kyle. It scares me to think of this happening. And I am not one who gets freaked-out and worked-up about things... I take life as it comes and I live by the phrase "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger". But in this case, I make a BIG exception.

I think this is on my mind at the moment (when I should be sleeping) because SO many of my friends are having babies in the next year. And I'm sure most of them know only the bare minimum (just like I did) and will not have all the information (because you have to go LOOK for it, it's not pushed at you enough, IMO). And many of my friends, have their 2 and 3 year olds in boosters, because they are over 40 pounds. So here's the data for those of you, like my hubby, who need facts, about why 5-point harnesses and rear-facing are safest.

And so I find myself unable to sleep tonight, because I feel I'm not doing all I shoudl be doing to encourage parents to keep their children rear-facing and in 5-point harnesses for AS LONG AS POSSIBLE!!! (Angela, I need a magnet or two!) Because, if I ever have to find out that what happened to Kyle, has happened to one of my friends children, I will never forgive myself for not speaking up.

If nothing else, go read the links that I have included here, and educate yourself, before you make a decision. Go talk to a Child Passenger Saftey Technician vs your pediatrician. I love my pedi and value her medical knowledge, but few of them are very educated on car seats and they only tell you the minimum requirements.

And for those of you who want to talk about cost, because yes the boosters are cheap and the 5-point harness seats for kids up to 65 or 80 pounds are not, think about how much that seat costs you for every day of use (4-8 years times 365 days/year) .... it's pennies, and think about how much your child's life is worth.

Okay, i'm stepping down off the soapbox now.... I'm going to bed, and hopefully to sleep.