Tuesday, June 10, 2008


I'm jealous. Terrible but true.

I'm jealous of every pregnant woman out there. I so desperately want baby #3, but so far it's not (apparently) 'meant to be'. According to who I might ask!?!?!?

Is it wrong to be jealous of all the loving couples out there who tried to get pregnant, wanted a baby, and got it? Probably.... but I am (even though I try not to be).

Is it wrong to be jealous of all the random teenagers/adults who get pregnant by accident? Maybe....especially when they terminate the pregnancy (as an adoptee, don't even get me started on that topic), or when they just ruin the kids life.....a la Britney Spears and all the stunts she's pulled!!! Okay, maybe not wrong to be jealous in this case!!

I don't know how not to be jealous, and it's making me cranky and crabby and downright bitchy! I owe all my friends who see me regularly huge apologies, because I'm CONSTANTLY bitching about it. CONSTANTLY. So, to those I see regularly (especially those who are preggo or just had a baby), I'm sorry. Truly sorry. You deserve your happiness and to be able to enjoy it and even wallow in it.

I'm really trying to work through these emotions. My kids are taking the brunt of my bad attitude cause I'm around them all day. Bad mommy! My friends are probably really sick of my crabbing and probably run from my presence when the topic, or a pregnant woman, is in my vicinity. It's like I need a restraining order....on myself and my mouth and my bad attitude.

And then I get an email from one of my best friends, I've known her for 22 years, and find out that she has been trying to have a baby for more than 2 years. Then I read blogs of people who tried to have babies, one way or another, for 4 or 8 or more years.

Then I feel guilty.

How dare I, mother of two gorgeous, wonderful, loving, perfect little boys, be cranky that I can't have ANOTHER! How greedy. Especially when such a good friend can't have one. Yes, I had, and am having, my share of 'issues' getting preggo, but still.....when it comes down to it, I have 2 and she can't seem to have 1.

Good luck tomorrow, dear friend. I hope you find some answers! *hug*


moo said...

You're allowed to feel what you feel. It's totally normal. And just because others have harder or easier times doesn't diminish what YOU are feeling/want/need/desire.

I hope it happens for you! (and me!)

Angela said...

Oh Dear Tegan, you know I have felt the EXACT same way. Every annoying post on the boards shouting, "I'm PREGNANT!!!" from the rooftops just made it worse. It's hard to be happy for others and not feel jealous when you want what they have so desperately. Just one of the many reasons I chose to keep this pregnancy under wraps as much as possible because I have been there and felt that way for so long. And I definitely did not want to "shout it from the rooftops" and risk hurting the feelings of so many wonderful ladies out there still trying so hard for a baby.

It will happen for you...maybe not in the time frame YOU want. But it will happen.

Jen said...

hey dude..

i have a feeling i know who you are talking about and if she sees this, i want her to know that i'm sending every positive thought i have in her direction. if it's not the person i'm thinking of.. then one of our mutual friends will be shocked when they get hit by so many random and unexpected good thoughts..

you're allowed to feel this way. secondary infertility, or whatever you want to call it.. difficulty having a wanted child.. is torture regardless of the situation. yes.. you're blessed (or fill in an appropriate word there) with two beautiful boys.. but there are few women who are dealing with infertility who would TRULY hold that against you. All that said.. yes.. it's hard not to get jealous when you're trying to conceive and it's not working and everyone around you has kids (or in my case.. siblings) and nothing is working and... well.. you know what i mean.

i remember being TOTALLY jealous of you when you got pregnant with trevor.. and i remember how hesitant you were coming to my wedding while pregnant with the blakeman. all that said.. i was still overjoyed when they were born healthy and have always been excited to hear updates and occationally.. *gasp*.. see you guys in person!

we've got donor #2 lined up but the funds are tight as i'm moving to part time work to be able to spend more time with ben and detox from stress.. any chance your brother-in-law is offering donations? (*LAFF*.. i'm SO kidding)

Jen said...

hey moo! you're here too? you're like crazy blog lady. how's the little guy doing? i guess i should check your blog to find out!