Wednesday, June 25, 2008

To Do List

Monday sucked, as it became obvious that day, that Project Baby would not succeed this month and needs to go on the 'to-do' list for July, which makes it 12 months that this project has been on the 'to-do' list. And yes, at this point, it feels like a 'to-do' and not a fun little enjoyable moment with my dh!

I thought I'd dealt somewhat with my crabby feelings that arose in response to this on Monday. In fact, I started contemplating the idea that I really only wanted two children. That I was happy with my two little boys (I am), and that our family was complete. I started thinking of the upsides.... almost done with diapers; don't need to get a bigger car that takes more gas (in fact could possibly get a smaller hybrid in fact!); we can go lots of fun places without a stroller; and I can sell all that baby stuff at a huge garage sale and buy something cool and turn the nursery into a playroom. Oh yeah, all my great plans, as a mom of 2 who is done having kids.

Except, apparently, that's not me.....

Today, as I sat at "Open Gym" (free play time in a gymnasium for kids under 5) - watching Blake not play, because Trevor was at camp - I counted. 8 women in the room, not counting me. 2 with newborns in Snugli's strapped to their chests, and 5 at some obvious stage of pregnancy. That left one woman and me... And all of a sudden, sitting there in a gymnasium full of people I didn't know, tears were running down my cheeks.

Tears mostly for the fact that, on top of all the things listed above, that I would have been 5 months pregnant right now, if not for a crappy miscarriage in March. The part of me that believes in fate, figures this happened for a good reason. But a lot of me, can't fathom what that 'good' reason might be.

So, the people in the gym looked away, not knowing what to say. And I wiped my tears, and went on with my day in a blur.... But I'm sad....

And I really don't know if I want to put Project Baby back on my 'to-do' list, because I hate all the stress that it creates. But I know I want to have 1 more, and I don't know what else to do.


moo said...

oh, I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. I understand your tug to have another one but to not be pregnant ... here's hoping this is your month!

Jen said...

hey hick. have you seen a reproductive endocrinologist? A year is a year and it can't hurt to double check your kinked tube and to look into the conservative end of infertility treatments. It takes some of the "magic" away.. but it also takes a lot of the unknowns away.. you could have something now that you didn't have with Trevor or Blake.. like scarring from your loss or endometriosis or even fibroids. an OB is helpful.. but I'd suggest going to a true RE.. they are the ones who know it all. Just because you've had two children without medical intervention does not mean that "secondary infertility" could not be hounding you. I'd hate to see you give years of your life playing the timing/pee on a stick game if something as "simple" as kinked tubes could be a factor.

Dude.. we can be "cycle buddies" and i'll even let you into a private support group online forum that has a bunch of AWESOME people who have been through it all.

Think about it seriously.


btw... one "trick" that families that go through infertility learn is "the silent cry".. it's possible to bawl through movies, meetings, commutes.. all without making a peep.

Angela said...

Awwhhh...sweetie. I am so sorry you are having such a hard time and losing a very wanted pregnancy always makes things worse. My very first pregnancy before Nathan was a miscarriage and it took MONTHS afterwards to conceive Nathan b/c of a bunch of medical issues I had with that miscarriage. And before this most recent pregnancy we had another miscarriage and again it took MONTHS to conceive again. Now if that hadn't happened we'd have an almost 3mo right about now.

Perhaps Jen has a valid point...maybe it's time to have yourself and DH checked out by a specialist. It could be something very simple that is making it difficult for you to conceive. I'm a firm believer in everything happens for a reason and all in God's time, but I also don't believe we should always just sit around and wait for things to happen. In many cases God calls us to take action in order to receive His blessings. And if children aren't His greatest blessing, than what is?

Sorry if I got all religious on ya' there, but that's just how I feel. And if it were me...going on a year, I'd make an appt with a specialist. What's the worst thing you find out? Maybe nothing and it's just something you gotta keep working on. Besides if DH is like any other man on the planet, I'm sure he doesn't mind one bit =)