Monday sucked, as it became obvious that day, that Project Baby would not succeed this month and needs to go on the 'to-do' list for July, which makes it 12 months that this project has been on the 'to-do' list. And yes, at this point, it feels like a 'to-do' and not a fun little enjoyable moment with my dh!
I thought I'd dealt somewhat with my crabby feelings that arose in response to this on Monday. In fact, I started contemplating the idea that I really only wanted two children. That I was happy with my two little boys (I am), and that our family was complete. I started thinking of the upsides.... almost done with diapers; don't need to get a bigger car that takes more gas (in fact could possibly get a smaller hybrid in fact!); we can go lots of fun places without a stroller; and I can sell all that baby stuff at a huge garage sale and buy something cool and turn the nursery into a playroom. Oh yeah, all my great plans, as a mom of 2 who is done having kids.
Except, apparently, that's not me.....
Today, as I sat at "Open Gym" (free play time in a gymnasium for kids under 5) - watching Blake not play, because Trevor was at camp - I counted. 8 women in the room, not counting me. 2 with newborns in Snugli's strapped to their chests, and 5 at some obvious stage of pregnancy. That left one woman and me... And all of a sudden, sitting there in a gymnasium full of people I didn't know, tears were running down my cheeks.
Tears mostly for the fact that, on top of all the things listed above, that I would have been 5 months pregnant right now, if not for a crappy miscarriage in March. The part of me that believes in fate, figures this happened for a good reason. But a lot of me, can't fathom what that 'good' reason might be.
So, the people in the gym looked away, not knowing what to say. And I wiped my tears, and went on with my day in a blur.... But I'm sad....
And I really don't know if I want to put Project Baby back on my 'to-do' list, because I hate all the stress that it creates. But I know I want to have 1 more, and I don't know what else to do.